People of Hope:
On Sunday, July 2, during Faith in Motion, we explored the last of our practices related to growing authentic connections and a deep sense of belonging, as stated in our mission statement. This time, we discussed how we engage in conflict with other people.
When we have conflict or perceived conflict with another person, there are at least four ways to deal with it, and they fall on a spectrum.
Passively – When we are passive, we ignore the conflict. Even if we take action to resolve the effects of the conflict, we do not talk with the person about the issue.
Assertively – When we are assertive, we go directly and proactively to the person with whom we have conflict in order to resolve it. We use respectful language and are cognizant of others’ boundaries. We do not belittle anyone, call them names, or raise our voices.
Aggressively – When we are aggressive, we use disrespectful language to that person’s face, use violence against them, or actively and directly harm them.
There is one more way that we respond to conflict, and it is probably the most common way that people deal with conflict.
Passive Aggressively – When we are passive aggressive, we do something to hurt someone, but we do not talk with the person directly about how our hurtful action is connected to the conflictual topic.
As I shared during Faith in Motion, imagine you are married and your spouse leaves dirty clothes NEXT to the laundry basket but doesn’t get them IN the laundry basket. And after a few months or years or decades of this behavior, you have had it.
A passive response to this conflict would be to put their clothes in the hamper and wash them along with everything else — never saying anything to your spouse.
An assertive response to this conflict would be to respectfully, calmly, and directly talk with your spouse about how you feel when you see their clothes on the floor.
An aggressive response to this conflict would be to yell at your spouse about their clothes being on the floor.
A passive-aggressive response to this conflict would be throwing out their clothes, not washing their clothes, or slamming the door when you see their clothes — but never directly telling your spouse why you are doing those things.
Here at Esperanza, I boldly suggest that we deal with conflict assertively — respectfully, calmly, directly. When we are assertive, we end up solving problems. In all the other options for how to deal with conflict — passively, aggressively, and passive-aggressively — we rarely get the problem solved. Those who are interested in solving problems do so assertively. However, when I see people deal with conflict in other ways, it tells me that person does not actually want to solve the problem.
If you don’t know what to say when you approach someone to solve a problem, one tool is the “I Statement.” With I Statements, we name how we feel, describe the problematic behavior, and give the reason for our feeling. For example, in the dirty clothes scenario, I might say: “I feel frustrated when you leave your dirty clothes next to the laundry basket instead of in the laundry basket because I like a clean house.”
I feel – and then you name a feeling word, like mad, sad, glad, frustrated, annoyed
When you – and then you describe the problematic behavior
Because – and then you share the reason for your feeling
A common misuse of the I Statement is to say: “I feel that you do this or that …” In order to be effective, an I Statement needs to lead with how we feel using a feeling word, not simply a description of what we think the person has done wrong. The reason an I Statement is effective is that it tells the other person how their actions impact us and because it gives that person information about why we feel the way we do. People do not know how we feel and why we feel that way unless we tell them.
In a community where we seek to create authentic connections and a deep sense of belonging, we assertively resolve our conflict. When we do, we create not just authentic connections and a deep sense of belonging; we create a community where conflict is normalized and quickly tended to and then released — that we might know joy in community!
With gratitude,
Pastor Sarah
P.S. By the way, we didn’t talk about conflict in worship nor did I share this article because of a particular conflict here at Esperanza. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, so it’s just helpful to know how we’ll deal with it when it arises.