Right now I am typing at my desk at Christ Lutheran Church in Sedona, where I am the new Associate Pastor. I am looking at a cross from Pastor Steve Hammer that’s hanging on my wall, ready for Sunday.
It’s the same cross that I used to look at during his sermons while I was a child, before I could understand the message. I would lean against my mom or dad in our seats, or doodle in the bulletins, or giggle with Heidi and Stephen, or keep some communion bread and shape it into a little cube in my hand.
Esperanza was a big fixture in my life. I remember making advent crafts there, playing in the nursery, singing in children’s choir and then the praise band, ringing in bell choir and playing in Jazzatukee, going to Girl Scouts, crawling around in the Sanctuary when my mom was at Bible Study, attending VBS, teaching at VBS, going to confirmation class, helping teach confirmation class, acting in plays.
A lot of what formed me at Esperanza wasn’t talking about faith, but living it, through being loved and accepted for who I was at whatever stage of life I was in.
Dave Coste was the first adult I called by his first name, “Dave”. With Dave’s music leadership, I felt like a person with a valuable opinion, not just a kid to be taught. I was shy, but I didn’t feel shy singing in the praise band. It was so fun to laugh in rehearsals and learn how to sing harmonies. It was so fun to sing and dance with Heidi on Sunday mornings and be part of the worship leadership. Singing in a praise band or leading worship feels natural to me now, because I grew up in it.
In middle school, I started confirmation class with now Pastor, Tina Mills. She encouraged our small group to interpret Bible passages and encouraged our insights. I got to be creative and ask lots of questions. Around that time, Pastor Steve introduced the series “Living the Questions” to Esperanza, which also became the theme of Campfirmation. A seed was planted in me: “Living with questions is ok and even good”. That seed grew in me, especially in college and beyond. A major reason I attended seminary was to follow my questions. A lot of people my age have had bad experiences with church growing up; experiences that told them how to think, how to believe, or that they should feel shame for who they are. I have experienced shame for asking questions, and I have also experienced liberation through asking questions. I now strive to be a safe place for people to be unsure, and to ask questions.
What keeps me in the church is that I see how it can be; a place where people are loved for being themselves, a place where people are encouraged to explore, a place where we can live out the kind of beloved community that Jesus believed in. What also keeps me in church is the potlucks, the songs, liturgy, passing the peace, and (now that I can understand them) listening to the sermons.
When I go to church, or lead worship, I feel connected to Esperanza, to Heidi, to my family in heaven and on earth, to people I’ve met around the world, to my younger self. I feel connected to the future, to a hope that Jesus’ way of living will prevail, to a remembering that God’s way is a way of love, justice and righteousness.
Esperanza has shaped me profoundly. I am glad that all are welcome at the table of hope, including me.