People of Hope:
Our new mission statement — Esperanza Lutheran Church creates authentic connections and a deep sense of belonging as a Christ-centered community — leads us to intentionally form healthy Christian community, among other things. Starting this past Sunday and for the next few weeks, during Faith in Motion, we will be practicing healthy ways of being in community. First up: learning to spot and avoid triangulation.
In family systems theory, triangulation happens when …
Person A has a conflict with Person B.
Instead of discussing the point of contention with Person B, Person A discusses it with Person C.
Person C then tells Person B.
Unfortunately, triangulation is very common. We have a problem with our spouse, so we tell our friend. We have a problem with our boss, so we tell our co-worker. We have a problem with a friend, so we tell our sister.
Because directly communicating with someone about a disagreement can feel uncomfortable, triangulating another person relieves our discomfort. But it doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, triangulation usually creates deeper problems and more problems, whereas direct communication usually solves problems.
Direct communication, especially when dealing with conflict, can be uncomfortable. We might hear things about ourselves we don’t wish to acknowledge. We might have to admit we were wrong or that we failed. We might have to face that we intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone.
If we are the one raising the issue, we don’t know how the other person is going to respond, if they will be open — or if they will be defensive. We might be really mad, and we might not trust ourselves to communicate respectfully with the other person. We may just dislike conflict entirely.
At least in my limited experience with conflict, the only way out is through. Conflict does not simply go away. And when we involve other people in our conflict, like Person C, we are creating more problems for ourselves.
Given the uncomfortability of direct communication to deal with conflict, please know that I am available to facilitate any conversation you wish to have with someone with whom you have conflict. As a facilitator, I will help you and the other person set mutually-agreed-upon ground rules for the conversation and then hold both of you to those ground rules.
When you are Person C — the person others come to — at least here at Esperanza, please respectfully stop the person and invite them to talk with the person with whom they have the conflict. Feel completely free to throw me under the bus! You can say to the person: “Pastor Sarah has asked that we not triangulate, so please stop talking with me about this issue. Please talk with the person you have the conflict with instead.” This does take some practice, so be kind to yourself if you look back on a conversation and realize only later that the person just triangulated you. After many years of practice, it still happens to me.
Will ending triangulation solve all our problems at Esperanza? No, of course not, but it will solve a whole bunch of them! When we figure out how to end triangulation among us, there will be no undertone of tension in any ministry or about any topic. There will be no secrets. There will be no hushed voices or conversation suddenly coming to an end when someone in particular walks through the door. Instead, we will solve our personal conflicts in healthy ways and end up with healthy, respectful relationships. There will be no parking-lot meetings following the officially sanctioned meetings. We will grow in vulnerability and accountability and learn to tolerate being uncomfortable.
I have high hopes for our practice of direct communication, friends! It is a shared journey we are on … and I look forward to it!
With anticipation,
Pastor Sarah